Growing up rich or poor?

I grew up mainly middle class. I think back about everything I had, was given to me by sacrifice of my parents. They worked hard and felt their children came first. But this came later in my life. My life I think started out a bit on the poor side. Do I think this is bad? Nope, I barely remember the sacrifices made by my mother.

I've never talked about this time in my life before and it's a little strange. My mother was a single parent, thus she didn't have a choice about allowing me to be raised by both daycare and my grandmother. Why? Well my biological sperm donor did not provide any financial or physical support and was out of the picture after a few months. Actually if anything he contributed to more work than necessary. One day my mom came home from work to a baby crying and no husband present. Guess I'm lucky to be alive.

I have to add that earlier this week when I posted about the risks of being a stay at home parent, I'm really offended by people who think that daycare is bad. They obviously have not walked in the shoes of someone whose been divorced, widowed, or living with a disabled spouse. Life is not always how you plan it and to immediately say that daycare is bad and staying at home superior obviously is very narrow-minded.

Were we poor? I certainly didn't feel poor. Fortunately my mother had worked since 15 helping to support her family who were very, very poor growing up. She had worked through college 3 job, and earned a master's in less than 4 years. She had support from her family, including my uncle who took 8 years to finish college to support his younger sisters and parents. He also started picking pineapples at 12 for money. They grew up in a 2 bedroom shack on a farm, which I remember fondly. This shack did not have plumbing, but an outhouse, which was an improvement over my great-grandmother's home which didn't have a bath for years. Instead they used the public baths at a penny a bath. My grandfather drove a tour bus, so money was always an issue. But the love and support were priceless and cannot be measured in $.

But my mom had a great job, worked hard and though we didn't have a lot, we always had food, shelter, and clothes. My mom worked so hard, I remember her sometimes crying because she was so tired and lonely. She would rush back and forth to drop me off/pick me up, and we would often go back to work after picking me up. My grandparents were fantastic, they would watch me at night when my mom would go back to work to pick up extra shifts so she could pay the bills.

I know we often did not have material goods, but my grandfather knew everyone in town and would often barter services for goods. So we were able to get a bed, car fixed, in exchange for help with painting, gardening, etc. He would often find things my mother needed for free in exchange for his physical labor. He really was a good man, he also would find things people were throwing away and fix it for us to use. I saw my biological sperm donor at my grandfather's funeral for the first time in over 20 years, I think I've seen him 4 times in my life (maybe).

At the age of 18 months I developed grand mal seizures, but fortunately my mom had great medical insurance from her job. But she had to cover her portion of the massive medical bills. During this time she would barely sleep 2-3 hours a night because she would be washing sheets from when I was ill and wet the bed. She would also have to wake me to give me medicine and stay with me in case I had a seizure. She also spent time with me in the hospital when I was ill. During all this she was already a single parent. Stregth? Will? My mother had it in spades.

My grandmother would often come over by bus and try to clean our house to help my mom out. She would also try and cook dinner every night so my mom could come pick me up, eat, and drop me off with them so she could go back to work. My grandmother also worked by putting newspapers together, sewing, washing clothes for other people. Working was a necessity, not a luxury. I know my mom often laments over not being able to stay at home with me, but if she didn't work, we wouldn't have had a place to live or food to eat.

Though we were poor my mom NEVER took government help. She cut up all her CCs, after her divorce and didn't pay for anything if she didn't have the cash. We were so lucky to have so much family around to help though. Not financially with cash, but with love and support. We were often invited over to people's houses for dinner, sent home with food, and I was often watched so my mom could work. My aunts and uncles all struggled to make ends meet while trying to help their parents who had never had much money. Their sacrifices have built secure retirements for all, and all could be considered upper middle class with their impressive net worths.

My mom and I are still really close, I call her everyday. Every weekend she would work, but I remember her taking the time to make sure I studied. The only thing my mom recited to me growing up is "education will give you a better life. Education can never be taken away. It is your ticket out of here." My mom meet my now father when I was about 7 years old. During this time we had definitely moved from poor to lower middle class. I could tell because my mom no longer cried.

I remember taking our first trip to disneyland when I was 5. My uncle paid for a good chunk of it, till today I think of the many things he did which were a godsend for us both. And my other aunt also helped us afford it too though she was single. But that's what family does, that's where our strength comes from, our families. I live right now saving money because I hope that in case my mom should need it or my grandmother I will be able to give them money financially to help out with anything.

I am so proud that I come from a line of strong women. Women who worked to support their families, and sure it would have been easier to stay at home and take hand outs, but they didn't. Instead they worked 2-3 jobs both in and outside the home.

I remember my grandmother sewing me clothes or wearing boy clothes until I was quite old. My cousins were all boys, and I just wore what my cousin M (8 months older than me) outgrew. I also had a boy haircut because it was easier. I remember eating the farm raised chickens, eggs, and vegetables. I remember my grandparents trading services for food. My grandmother till today washes saran wrap, ziploc bags, and recycles everything. I learned garbage picking from her, when we used to collect cans and bottles for extra money. But I never considered us poor, I thought we were quite wealthy. After all we had a house, a car, and my mom could support me ALONE.

If anything I always felt so rich. I had so many experiences, so much love in our family. We were constantly together, I miss it even today. A day never went by where I wasn't with a part of my extended family. I think that those experiences shaped my life now. When I see single parents I know that their hearts break as they leave their children in daycare. And yet there are people who make them feel "lesser parents for not staying at home." This is a fact because my mom often wonders if she was as good a parent as everyone who stayed at home. These people need to get off their high horse and stop thinking that only you can love your child. They are obviously the same people who only believe families are bonded through blood. But something to consider is that these single parents are doing it to show their children that taking a hand-out from the government is not the answer. That hard work will be rewarded.

My mom remarried when I was 10 and I was adopted by a wonderful man. Our lives changed immediately. We had a lot more money and opportunities. This too shaped my understanding of people. I learned that family is built on love, not blood. That a person can love a child not their own because they participate in the raising of the child. That adopting a child can mean as much as one sharing your genetic material.

So did I grow up rich or poor? I think I grew up rich.

My family has risen from poor to probably upper middle class. We got there from helping each other, giving each other strength, encourgement, and a hand. I believe that families are built from love not blood. I feel bad for people who think that parenting is only done if you stay at home. Obviously that's not true, it's built by the values you instill in your child, the bond you build with your child. You can be at home and not spend as much quality time as a single parent who works 2 jobs. I also feel bad about people who think you can only love your biological children. Or that bond occurs at birth, rather than being nurtured through love, compassion, and participation in their lives.

All of this has contributed to making me a lot more conscious about money, a lot more cautious about life. I worry that if I stay at home and my husband dies or is disabled I will not be able to provide for my children. But I mitigate this by saving money now before we have children so that I can cushion any possible problems.

And yes because I was adopted by a wonderful man, I do not feel pressured to have my own biological children. People always say if you keep waiting, you won't have your own, but I can't say that's important. I already have a 529 started because I know I will have children no matter what. If I am unable to have them I will adopt without hesistation. I even hope that perhaps I can adopt after having a child of my own anyway. And my parents would cherish all of my kids equally. I know that my views are not shared by others, but this is my perspective on money and parenting.